ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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