good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
