dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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