I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
