so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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