when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's always time for handjobs
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
