Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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