Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
