I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
