We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
