My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
