Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
