The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
