I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
