He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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