dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
this just has baby written all over it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
