Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I need to sanitize my soul.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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