she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
