kristin has been a bad kristin
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
