Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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