Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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