Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
