yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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