and she was petting her beer can
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
