Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
