I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
