I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
