I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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