I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
