OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
