But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
