Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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