I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
