I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
