remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
