Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
