my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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