Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Never underestimate the power of titties
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
