I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
