I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
