The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
