Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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