I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
