Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
