Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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