Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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