He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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