If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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