remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
