Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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