just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
