you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
