I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
