So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
50% drunk capacity currently
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
