So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
