So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
