Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
