her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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