I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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